Doctors Cure Death, Zombie Apocalypse Ensues
~ A tale from the fictional wards of Hospital Woeisme ~
The intensive care physicians at Hospital Woeisme are known as the best in the country. Their skills are so advanced that they have achieved the impossible — they have cured death! The team had been working on a secret elixir, dubbed Anti-Deather, for years. They had tested various iterations of the proprietary concoction on scores of recently deceased patients, though they had not had any success until today.
Hospital CEO Dr. Koopa beamed, “This is really a game-changer! We’re so, so proud of our doctors and everyone who has contributed to this momentous moment in science. I’ve always been a big supporter of this research, which, understandably, we had to keep quiet while in development. But now that we’re successful, we’re looking forward to sharing our data with all other hospitals.”
After a dose of Anti-Deather is injected there is a one-hour delay before the elixir takes effect and the patient returns to life. The first patients brought back were 86-year-old Mr. Gomez, and 99-year-old Lady Munster. Once awake the patients were a bit slow and confused, which the researchers anticipate will improve over time. They are being closely watched and are not allowed to leave the hospital just yet.
Physician researcher Dr. M. Shelley, MD, PhD, MPH, MA, ABCDEFG, declared, “Today, we stand united against death! This is not a medication for big pharma, this is a medication for the people. As such, we have already shared the formula with laboratories and medical facilities throughout the world!”
The initial plan was too observe Mr. Gomez and Lady Munster for two weeks before giving Anti-Deather to anyone else. Instead, due to their excitement, the ICU team moved throughout the hospital and injected the life-inducing elixir into all expired patients, from the ICU to the emergency department to the rather full morgue.
In an exclusive interview with Mr. Gomez the patient was asked, “How are you feeling Mr. Gomez?” He grunted in response and reached towards the microphone. None of his answers were coherent and he became increasingly irritable throughout the course of the attempted interview. As Mr. Gomez remained disoriented and apparently quite hangry, the interview was cut short.
Nearby, the recently deceased Lady Munster spotted her great-grandson who is a nurse on the ICU floor. She began calling out, “Brian! Brian!” while reaching for him. The floor staff cheered, as the patient had not only just spoken her first words, but had recognized her beloved family member. Nurse Brian ran to hug his great-grandmother. While embracing, Lady Munster suddenly clamped her toothless gums onto Brian’s head, trying to gnaw on him. Given her toothless state, she did little more than leave a wet spot as he pushed her away. She kept yelling, “Brian! Brian!” but on closer acoustic inspection it turns out that Lady Munster was actually yelling, “Brains! Brains!”
In the morgue, the patients formerly known as dead began to stir. Bumping into each other and groaning, they made their way through the basement. Dr. Toolatté, the pathology resident working in the morgue, was spotted running out of the hospital while screaming, “The zombie apocalypse has started!” That resident has reportedly run out of the morgue multiple times in the past with similar claims, however in this instance, the accuracy of her proclamation could not be debated.
The physicians scrambled to warn the other hospitals about the unanticipated zombification side effect of Anti-Deather, but it was too late. Innumerable hospitals had already mixed it up and injected their own deceased patients. Reports have begun pouring in from around the world showing patients waking up dazed and then morphing into brain-hungry hoards.
As of this publication the undead have been spotted on every hospital floor. To protect the public all doors have been locked so that no one, alive or dead, can enter or leave the Hospital Woeisme. The staff is taking up arms and getting ready to fight, barricading doors and fashioning weapons out of old medical equipment. Meanwhile, physician researchers are frantically working to create a reverse Anti-Deather and to determine how to best re-kill a previously dead patient.
Stay tuned for updates about the impending battle!